Fourth Chances

January 1st. Twelve new chapters. Three hundred sixty five blank pages. Each page waiting to be filled.

Last night, I prayed. I wanted God to know how grateful I am for all I have been given. Of course, I’m grateful for my family, friends, home, food, and so many little luxuries I often take for granted. But, this year, I am especially grateful for fourth chances. 2018 marked my fourth, and most deadly, suicide attempt. This time, God came to me and showed me my time hadn’t come yet. No, not premonitions or winning lottery numbers. He simply showed me he wasn’t finished with me yet. I wish I could explain the experience better than that but I lack the words to describe the peace and fullness I felt.

when I woke from my semiconscious State, I knew I’d been changed. Maybe changed isn’t the right word. What I knew was that I had choices; choices I couldn’t see before I tried to take my life. It seemed I’d been living in the rear view mirror watching the best parts of my life slipping away. I was firmly grounded in yesterday’s pain. Yet, my choice was quite clear upon waking. I could keep living in the rear view mirror or I could choose to look out of the windshield. I could hold onto my heavy trunks of loss, pain, anger, and resentment or I could put them down. I could pine for what was lost or I could engage in the present.

So, I got up off my ass and have started to look forward. It’s not been easy to do. In fact, it would be very easy to turn back, pick up my trunks, and count all I’ve lost. Living for today, right this moment, feels alien, frightening, and strangely exhilarating. Giving up the illusion of control and perfection has been the biggest challenge, so far.

Today, I started out the same way I always start. I opened my eyes. My feet found the floor. And, as I have each day since I survived, I whispered a silent prayer of gratitude for the opportunity to have this day. Because, I am grateful to be alive. I am grateful for 4th chances.